So, it's been a year since I discovered I've got a fucked-up liver. So far, my health has improved, some strength has been regained, but the damage has been done. Basically, I'm still dying very slowly. Actually we all are, I just got a head start. But I wouldn't have survived this difficult year if it weren't for good doctors, good friends, strength of spirit, sheer luck, and some magic. I'm still grateful.
I'm actually fighting my battles on two fronts: one in the gut and one in the mind, which is a far more difficult enemy. I DO appreciate the words of encouragement, but when you have this kind of shit, one would prefer honesty over reassurance. Empathy over sympathy. I believe and I know that you have nothing but good intentions when you tell me, "It's gonna be OK" and "I'm just here when you need help". But "I'm sorry that you're going through this" and "How are you? Let's go out for milkshake when you're feeling better" have been the most kind and most necessary words I've heard. Also, as a friend, I free you from the responsibility of trying to cheer me up when depression kicks in. I'm happy when I'm happy. When I'm sad, just give me permission to be sad and probably let me bawl my eyes out without judgement. I promise it's a just a few minutes, and you'll be rewarded with the sight of my ugly-cry face when it's over, then we could probably have a good, awkward laugh at it.
Right now I feel perfectly fine. But my anxiety, and that elevated tumor marker, is telling me that the worst is yet to come and that I'd be a more difficult person to deal with. I'm still me: just more honest with myself and probably a bit more high-maintenance. I'm afraid that some people have given up on me once they've discovered the ugly stuff that comes with friendship. And I'm surprised by those who actually reached out and stuck with me at my worst moments. Thank you, you. You're all awesome. I love you.
I may still have years or decades or months, but I have already decided to live the rest of my days at peace with myself and with the world, even if it's a challenging time to live in.
I'm actually fighting my battles on two fronts: one in the gut and one in the mind, which is a far more difficult enemy. I DO appreciate the words of encouragement, but when you have this kind of shit, one would prefer honesty over reassurance. Empathy over sympathy. I believe and I know that you have nothing but good intentions when you tell me, "It's gonna be OK" and "I'm just here when you need help". But "I'm sorry that you're going through this" and "How are you? Let's go out for milkshake when you're feeling better" have been the most kind and most necessary words I've heard. Also, as a friend, I free you from the responsibility of trying to cheer me up when depression kicks in. I'm happy when I'm happy. When I'm sad, just give me permission to be sad and probably let me bawl my eyes out without judgement. I promise it's a just a few minutes, and you'll be rewarded with the sight of my ugly-cry face when it's over, then we could probably have a good, awkward laugh at it.
Right now I feel perfectly fine. But my anxiety, and that elevated tumor marker, is telling me that the worst is yet to come and that I'd be a more difficult person to deal with. I'm still me: just more honest with myself and probably a bit more high-maintenance. I'm afraid that some people have given up on me once they've discovered the ugly stuff that comes with friendship. And I'm surprised by those who actually reached out and stuck with me at my worst moments. Thank you, you. You're all awesome. I love you.
I may still have years or decades or months, but I have already decided to live the rest of my days at peace with myself and with the world, even if it's a challenging time to live in.
Posted in: watery reflections
1 comments:
Hi there,
I read your message and I hope you are able to heal completely. Every now and then I find an interesting amazon review that I decide may be of use to my later. I'm including a link to one such review that I hope you find useful. Also if you do end up purchasing L-Glutamine I recommend avoiding Bulksupplements as there have been several people claiming it has a smell of ammonia.
Take care,
Nate
https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/REP95603OAA7L/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B00E7TMONG
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