Wednesday, July 25, 2018


It's been 8 months since I fled my mother's nest. Considering my age, that may sound funny and surprising for most Western people but we Filipinos take family ties very seriously, true to our Asian and Hispanic roots.

I've always had issues with work commute so I rented a tiny studio flat very close to the workplace. I was worried that living alone would drive me nuts in a jiffy but it did the exact opposite instead. I've significantly gotten better from my anxiety, and dare I say, I find myself to be more at peace these days than the last couple of months before I moved out.

There is no such thing as too may pillows.

I think it's got something to do with the other changes that went with it. My new workplace is in Quezon City, very close to the suburbs, it's gritty but more familiar - a lot more "human-y" than my previous workpace in the business district of Makati, which in the recent years I find to be too cold and corporatey.

I haven't got a TV nor an internet subscription so my time on social media has been very limited. Not that I feel I'm missing out anyway. I've gotten to a point where I really don't care about most of the stuff I see on my feed. At worst, they trigger insecurities and panic attacks. I've also gotten lazy writing posts. People generally don't give a damn about what you eat, or what you do, or your selfies, so why bother?

Growing herbs in a space with limited sunlight is challenging, but well worth it.

Oddly, I also feel more personally connected with friends. We share memes and gossip on messenger. We occasionally talk on the phone, just like the old days. And if we miss each other too much, we go out, or sometimes I host little overnight dinners in my flat.

There have been discussions about how the internet age is making people more lonely. I don't want to be "that guy" whingeing about the dangers of modern tech. I love video games and I work in I.T. after all. I think the problem is more due to our lack of connection and self-awareness than social media. Living alone does get lonely sometimes, but having less distractions has made me more in touch with my soul.

Monday, September 25, 2017

A Year and A Day

So, it's been a year since I discovered I've got a fucked-up liver. So far, my health has improved, some strength has been regained, but the damage has been done. Basically, I'm still dying very slowly. Actually we all are, I just got a head start. But I wouldn't have survived this difficult year if it weren't for good doctors, good friends, strength of spirit, sheer luck, and some magic. I'm still grateful.

I'm actually fighting my battles on two fronts: one in the gut and one in the mind, which is a far more difficult enemy. I DO appreciate the words of encouragement, but when you have this kind of shit, one would prefer honesty over reassurance. Empathy over sympathy. I believe and I know that you have nothing but good intentions when you tell me, "It's gonna be OK" and "I'm just here when you need help". But "I'm sorry that you're going through this" and "How are you? Let's go out for milkshake when you're feeling better" have been the most kind and most necessary words I've heard. Also, as a friend, I free you from the responsibility of trying to cheer me up when depression kicks in. I'm happy when I'm happy. When I'm sad, just give me permission to be sad and probably let me bawl my eyes out without judgement. I promise it's a just a few minutes, and you'll be rewarded with the sight of my ugly-cry face when it's over, then we could probably have a good, awkward laugh at it.

Right now I feel perfectly fine. But my anxiety, and that elevated tumor marker, is telling me that the worst is yet to come and that I'd be a more difficult person to deal with. I'm still me: just more honest with myself and probably a bit more high-maintenance. I'm afraid that some people have given up on me once they've discovered the ugly stuff that comes with friendship. And I'm surprised by those who actually reached out and stuck with me at my worst moments. Thank you, you. You're all awesome. I love you.

I may still have years or decades or months, but I have already decided to live the rest of my days at peace with myself and with the world, even if it's a challenging time to live in.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Finding DIRI.

Hello blog. It's been a while.

It's been two and half years to be exact and I've got so much to write about but for now, I just want to pick up where I left.

In case you haven't caught up, the last few entries of this blog have been about my exploration of the Enochian magical system. After a series of missteps and experimentation, I eventually got to that part where I finally get to open the gates of the Watchtowers, visit fantastic and creepy worlds, have tea-time with weird inter-dimensional beings and nudge them for life-changing information.

You know about those rumours going around in occult circles about Enochian magic being so powerful that it could bring about apocalyptic change? I don't know if there's substantial evidence for that but I have come to believe that it did change my life quite a lot.

Like, big fucking time.

I admit I was beginning to get bored with the visions and cryptic messages. Enochian magic is quite unlike any magical system I have practiced before where the results are more tangible, and sometimes almost immediate. But I guess you won't appreciate the value of practicing hours-long magic rituals just to receive messages from the "other side" until you discover that there's virtually a ticking time-bomb inside your own body.

I got hit so hard that I have had episodes of anxiety and depression like the sort of thing I couldn't have imagined I would get. But then I guess that's just the way humanity's programming works. We live our lives happily blind with illusions of immortality until we see the face of death on that radiographic film. Now the thought of it has been following me incessantly, like mosquitoes buzzing above your head on summer evenings.

Yoga and meditation could have helped, sure, but even doing those are impossible when you aren't even able to forward-fold or are experiencing random excruciating pain every now and then. Eventually I had to quit my daily asana practice - among a lot of other things that I care for. So the past several months felt like a wild scramble. Like I was thrown off from a plane and into a strange new place and I'd been trying to find my way back.

Truncated pyramid of DIRI, servient angel of the Watchtower of Air.

All that scrambling, however, eventually got tiresome. So I told myself to just fuck it all and explore this new territory. I'm a traveler after all.

So here I am, thankfully feeling a lot better than I was, living day by day with the help of medicine and holding on to what little support I have. It feels like clinging on rickety flotsam rafts on a stormy sea, but it's a lot better than drowning,

Now I've got unfinished business to attend to and worlds to explore. So I think it's about time to roll up my sleeves, grab that wand, and open the gates once more.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Remembering Pol

Me on a willow tree. Photo taken by Pol.

Yesterday I went to a gathering of the local pagan community to commemorate the life of our dear friend Pol, and last night, I had a dream of him.

It was actually more of a memory. It was late December 2009 and we were in the gardens of the University of the Philippines. He was picking branches and I was picking leaves from a tree which he believes to be a specie of willow. He said he was going to scrape the bark off the branch, embellish it, and turn it into a wand. Pol was pretty good in those things. He has a set of runes which he carved by himself and charged with his own blood. He makes corn dollies and weaves perfect Brighid's crosses from palm leaves. He asked me why I was only picking the leaves. I said that I was only good at herb magic, I really couldn't make fine wands out of branches. To which he promptly replied: "Kaya mo yan, ikaw pa".

And I realized I actually could.

So I taught myself how to sandpaper wood, and paint on wood, and apply finishing on wood. And soon I was making my own pentacles, hex signs, wands, cups, and magic tables. I made a complete set of high magic tools out of school supplies. I would never have thought I would be able to do these things - I have always sucked and failed at craft projects in school. But now, suddenly, I'm an artist.

Pol teasingly calls me "master", but the truth is, I think I have learned more important things from him:
  • Don't define yourself by your limits. 
  • Don't just accept things as they are. 
  • You can make the change if you want to.

Yes, these are all clichés. We hear them all the time that our minds have become numb from them. But these are powerful truths, and people tend to forget them. That is why the majority of society today lives a lazy, consumerist lifestyle.

Here's another cliché: we have the ability to change things for our own good, and for others.

  • Whether it's a piece of wood that you want to make into a magic wand.
  • Whether it's a foreign spirtual practice that you want to adapt to the local culture and to your lifestyle.
  • Whether it's how society treats women and the LGBT community.

I'm happy to have had a friend like Pol to remind me of this "ability". This "power to change things". I don't know if there's a proper English word for it, so I'll just call it "magic". People have stopped believing in magic.

Thank you Pol for helping me find my magic.

(I have chosen not to include a photo of the deceased out of respect for him and of his family.)

Thursday, December 4, 2014

On New Year's Resolutions

So, it's December again. What the heck?

I was almost tempted to write that old cliché about time flying so fast. But of course, we all know that unless you travel to another part of space with a significant amount of gravitational time dilation (thank you, Interstellar), time remains the same. It is this adult life that has gotten so fast - we want to do a lot, own a lot, achieve a lot, that even humanity's longer lifespan isn't enough for us now. What am I babbling about? I don't know. Maybe I'll just talk about resolutions.

Many people have given up on making new year's resolutions complaining that they don't work anyway. The problem is that people look at it like a Christmas wish list. The key is in the word itself: resolve. People write about getting fit or learning a new skill, then spends a huge chunk of their free time watching TV marathons and playing Clash of Clans.  A familiar scenario: "New Year, New Me!" the Facebook status says on January, then does the same old shit during the rest of the year. I find that the culprit are two powerful demons of the modern age: Laziness and the Comfort Zone. I, too, fall into their traps a couple of times but I try my best to fight.

Writing resolutions has worked for me to a large degree. It is the first thing that I write on every yearly planner that I get, on that blank page just after the cover. My planner is the first thing that I look at as soon as I sit by my work station. It is my diary, magical journal, travel log, fitness tracker, personal finance ledger, sketchbook, and it also serves as an almost daily reminder of my self-promises. I guess you can say, my planner is actually some sort of a talisman.

My list primarily consists of changes in habits and skills that I want to learn or improve. I never write down any planned purchases - they're on a separate list as they tend to change a lot.

(As an example of my consumerist fickleness, one time I walked into a hardware store to buy some screws, saw a steam-powered mop, decided right there and then that I needed it in my life, bought the thing off the shelf, and as soon as my credit card was swiped, I began to wonder what the hell I just bought.)

I make sure that my resolutions are realistic, challenging enough to promote positive change, but not impossible achieve. I divide the list into two groups: things I want to let go and things I want to gain. It makes it easier to remember and, in case I need to use a little magic, easier to tell whether I should banish or invoke.

Anyway, here's a snapshot of what I had for 2014. I had to cut off some parts because they are too personal, and too melodramatic for this post. I may not have been able to get everything down to a tee, but I believe - and I feel - that I did fare better this year at trying to improve myself.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Enochian Journal 7: The Last Five Days of Initiation

"...I am become a seer in the light of your countenance. I see your shining angels and magnify your name among them. Adonai Sabaothאדני צבאות, I, C.F.F., call upon the power of your Name. In the power of your mighty Name this work of invocation is well and truly fulfilled. Amen. Amen. Amen."

I called upon Enochian Gods, seniors, kerubs, and now it's finally time to meet the entities at the lowest level of the angelic hierarchy - the ones I will probably work with most often. The servient angels may be the clerks and desk jockeys of the Enochian world but that doesn't make them any less wondrous. Maybe it's my "new-improved" psychic powers, but they actually felt more visceral to me than the entities I've met before. Most of the time, I also didn't have to visit an astral landscape just to meet the servient angels, they tend to choose to appear in front of me instead, whether in my room, or in my shiny black crystal ball.

The 19-day initiatory rite has finally come to a close. Yes, the whole thing was just an initiation. And yes, despite what it is called, it unfortunately spanned quite a number of months because, you know, work (and Skyrim). Not only have I got a better understanding of the system now but I also got to improve my shamanic skills, especially that tricky part about diving in and out between the astral and the material world. I do feel a lot better prepared now and a lot more confident to work with a specific Enochian entity. I'm very glad that I decided to do this and that I persisted despite the challenges of the modern day life schedule.

My aim now is to keep and improve on what I have learned. However, I wouldn't dare to call an Enochian entity when I don't have any need to. And I wouldn't want to create a need just so I have an excuse to call them. So maybe I'll just explore a random square once a week via spirit vision. I'm also looking into using the Enochian Skrying Tarot as a divination tool - it was made for that anyway. I'm also figuring out how to make Enochian talismans. I'm sure all the astral work and the spiritual exercises have its merits but I am also determined to use this magical system for practical purposes too. There are frustratingly quite a few (if there's any) written about using Enochian magic for mundane endeavors. Some say it is too "pure", too "sacred", to use for mundane goals but for some reason my adventurous heart just refuses to believe that.

I have decided to adopt the Golden Dawn Enochian system since I'm already quite familiar with the correspondences, but I'm also quite open about incorporating classical Enochiana where it would permit. There's so much to do and explore, I'm actually excited. But I shall be taking it more slowly from here on lest this blog becomes "Enochian Murmur".

"The Fall of the Rebel Angels", Pieter Bruegel the Elder
An allusion to the Book of Enoch. 

15th Day: The Servient Angels of Medicine
(Lesser Subangle of Air) 
September 19, 2014

[The altar is getting more convoluted. I decided to put the 16 servient angel cards along with all the rest of the spirits and God names I have worked on before.]

A column of dark gray smoke rose from the crystal ball in front of me. It lingered there until eventually it became a serpent, which I realized later was actually a cobra. It just 'stood' there for a few seconds looking at me, then it spread its angel wings. It is a winged serpent - a classical symbol of healing. 

It told me that its name is CZNS, representing the rest of the servient angels of this subangle. I shall realize later why s/he's the one who appeared among all 16 of them.

Since their domain (according to the internet) is healing I asked if all diseases are curable. S/he said yes. But they cannot cure every one, every disease, because doing so will be working against the higher powers. I think s/he meant the angels of destruction/rot/death, which I called upon some weeks ago.

Again, I realized we are not in a different landscape. We are talking in my room. I asked the creature to show me their 'world'. It brought me to a desert landscape which is very reminiscent of ancient Egypt. We went inside one of the ancient structures and inside were humans working on some alchemy. We explored the dark, torch-lit corridors a bit more till we went outside, back in the desert again. There I saw a gross scenario. There were two people there, on their knees, eating another 
human. The winged serpent pointed out that the human being eaten is their king. They are eating him so that they can wield his power.

Gross. I had enough of ancient Eegypt so we went back to my room. The spirit CZNS had changed its appearance. It is now a human, a pharaoh even, sitting on a throne. The cobra which I was with earlier is now just a decoration on its headdress (a nemyss). There is a curious symbol on its clothing, a cross inside a triangle.

I wasn't able to ask much questions now. I was just looking at it. It told me that if I no longer need him, I should let him go.Now I got curious with the word he has chosen: "let him go", as if I had this spirit on a leash. It was the first time I got an impression of control over an enochian entity. It must have been the command words in the sephirotic cross which I used to call upon them. I remember these are now the lowest ranked angels I'm talking to. 

And so I ended the session and gathered the skrying cards. Each of the servient angel skyring cards has a keyword inscribed in them: Concentration, Versatility, Power, etc. However, the card of CZNS, my guide, was the most apt for this session: Healing


16th Day: The Servient Angels of Metals and Stones
(Lesser Subangle of Water) 
September 23, 2014

Sometimes these so-called Enochian 'angels' take the silliest of forms.

Something was trying to break out from inside the crystal ball. A small hole cracked open, and a three-clawed hand came out. I waited for a few minutes watching the crystal ball 'hatch', until finally out comes...a demon! It actually looks more like a gargoyle, just about the size of a cat. Its skin is leathery and reddish-brown, with bat-wings, a long tail, long horns curved downwards, and a dog-like face.

Are you an angel or a demon? 
"What difference does it make? These are human terms."

Prove me (that you're not an impostor). It joined its hands together to make an upward triangular shape. An alchemical symbol of fire. I didn't get it. It then pointed its hands downward to form the alchemical symbol of water. I still didn't get why use these as 'proof'. Anyway it didn't matter to me anymore. S/he says s/he is MAGM. 

(I'd get it later when I check the skrying card of MAGM)

I asked if they truly lord of over the domain of metals and stones. As usual, the reply is that they are much more than that. 

"You only think of iron and crystals and stones and minerals in the Earth..." and pointed out that my computer is made of these metals and stones. We even eat minerals. We are made of minerals. 

"You think of these as non-living" and goes on to babble about electricity, magnetism, quantum mechanics, gravity, condensed matter, etc. I think what s/he likes to point out is that metals and stones aren't just static, boring, dead stuff.

What I notice about these servient angels is that, so far, they appear in front of me, unlike the higher angels which I had to visit in their own landscapes. For some reason, I was not interested to see this creature's place.

Session ended after a few more conversation I barely remember now. 

I had already packed my altar before I remembered to check out the skrying card of MAGM. The card's keyword is PLEASURE. And its elemental correspondences are FIRE and WATER. I think that's why the demon-looking angel was making those symbols with its hands.


17th Day: The Servient Angels of Transformation
(Lesser Subangle of Earth)
October 8, 2014

This is the first time I have actually met an Enochian angel that took the form of a typical Western (Christian) angel. It was a woman with long hair in flowing white robes with white wings. She almost looks like Our Lady Mary the Mediatrix. However, there's something weird about her. Her hair and skin are also pure white, almost like porcelain. The only things with color are her eyes, which are like shining, blue jewels. She looked kind of creepy actually. I kind of missed the demon last time. 

There's a kind and caring aura about her though, she reminds me to "focus" whenever I'm beginning to lose my trance.

She did not tell me her name, other than she was invoked by the name VOLXDO. I asked for a 'proof' and she opened her palms showing the symbol of earth and water. I looked it up among the cards and presumed she was ODIOM.

These are the angels of transformation, it was pretty direct description so I couldn't really think about any questions.

Just out of curiosity I asked: "Can I make a person love me?"

"We cannot transform will. we only transform matter."

Apparently they live in a deterministic universe, where each is destined by his/her own fate, which is dictated by the Will of Highest Power (God, probably). I couldn't easily accept it. I was about to begin a philosophical debate but I reckon it would be pretty futile (and I was getting tired).

I was disappointed to learn they only transform matter. Who, then, should I call if I wish to transform myself?

"Are you not matter yourself?" She said.

She then went on about how commerce controls the world today - commerce, which is merely transformation of goods and labor to money. She also talked about something about neurogenesis, transformation of data, etc. I couldn't remember now, I was pretty tired during the working.

Before we parted I noticed something by her foot. There was a black chain tied around her right ankle rooted to the ground. What came to my mind is that even with the powers of transformation they(or we?) are still limited by the "Will of the Highest Power".


18th Day: The Servient angels of Elements and Elementals 
(Lesser Subangle of Air)
October 17, 2014

From the ground sprung two sprouts, spiraling, twisting into each other, becoming one, and growing to a little tree, then to a big tree, then to a HUGE tree whose trunk separates into two main branches looking like a big fat Y. I notice that there are little creatures sitting among its small branches, one of them beckoned me to come closer to the tree.

I climbed the trunk till I got into the space between the two main branches. It was actually a portal to the world of engkantos (elementals). I stepped into the portal and fell deep into a cavern beneath the earth. 

The cavern was brightly lit, and there are creatures there. A few meters in front of me stood an elegant figure. I couldn't tell if it's a man or a woman, his/her features are both manly and effeminate, but s/he's beautiful. S/he wears a royal costume, with a shining green cape bordered with gold lace and a crown of gold and rubies shaped like a crown of twigs. S/he walked towards me with a wooden staff on his/her right hand and a white blossom on his left. S/he was smiling.

"The elementals are all around you. What the uninitiated see as force, probabilities, luck, chance, laws of physics, are the work of the elementals."

S/he said that she was invoked by the name RZIONR. S/he claims that s/he is the angel ADRE.

I didn't ask much about the elements. I was more curious about elementals. I wondered if they truly are all around us. Even in the office? I've always thought of them as being in natury places.

"Of course." If mice and flies make their way in our building, why can't elementals?

S/he explained that not all of them are useful. Some are merely scavengers. (Note that these are my own wordings)

S/he gave me the white blossom and in it is some dark-colored stuff, it looks like a big jewel. S/he went back and sat on his/her throne. I noticed that s/he has looked older. S/he told me to it eat the dark thing. It was the food which I was forbidden to eat. S/he said it will make me more aware of 'them' (the elementals).

I ate it. I felt a tingling sensation in my body and felt light-headed for a few moments. Why can't I feel them?

"Because you are in my world." It was only then I realized I was in the astral world. It's like becoming aware that you're dreaming.

The spirit has become much older looking now, looking like a crone. S/he told me that I have to go. 
S/he didn't ask me to let him/her go like the other servient angels, but I still consciously 'let' her go.


19th Day: Orison
Last day of the Enochian initiation ritual
November 13, 2014

Experienced a sudden surge of force after the prayer. It was too much for me that I got astral paralysis ("nausog"). I was standing in the middle of a wide structure, it looked like a coliseum. There were four entities surrounding me, sitting on a throne. Further beyond, there were about thousands of other entities looking upon me. I noticed that I was standing at the center of a cross-like symbol, and then I realized it was the AGLA symbol at the back of the Sigilum Dei Aemeth 

An entity appeared before me. It is a sphinx - head of a bull, torso of a man, wings of an eagle, and feet of a lion. It almost looks like Baphomet. He was holding a necklace of golden chain, and placed it on me. After that, he put a silver/color-less chain on me. And lastly, a black chain. I stood there wondering what it was for, but the entities did not speak. It then gave me a sceptre and an orb. Without speaking, the creature "told" me to look at the orb. Suddenly, I found my (physical) self looking at the obsidian ball (like waking up from a dream). In the obsidian ball appeared an image of a caduceus. I couldnt remember very well, but I think I was told this was to be my "guide" or my "goal". Then, I realized my (physical) senses were very, very keen. I listened to the silence (it's 2AM), and heard unearthly sounds and a few disembodied voices. I looked around the room, and saw some figures from afar. However, I could not move my body. I went back to the astral landscape and there I met another entity, in the form of a bubbly, young woman. I asked if there were something else I should do, or something else they want to tell me. The following parts I could not remember for now, unfortunately. All I know is that it took me a great effort to bring myself back to my senses. I "woke" up from the vision with a throbbing headache (still have it in my head as I'm writing this).

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Enochian Journal 6: The Choir of the Cherubim

It's now down to the Cherubim after praying to the Gods and the Seniors of the Watchtowers. The books call these entities "kerubs" or "dispositors", but I like to use "cherub" for now because it looks more romantic. Of course, the creatures that have shown themselves in the visions are far from the classical cherubic images of babies with angel wings (those are putti, not cherubs, by the way).

My skrying skills are getting better after weeks of practice. I have learned not to focus only on the visual details of the entities and the landscape; I have also been trying to be aware of the sounds, the smell, the feel on my skin (warmth, coldness, humidity, dryness, etc.), as well as what I am feeling internally. I still have to work on my memory retention though. A magician friend advised me to practice on remembering dreams and that's what I've been doing.

One interesting thing that happened in the last skrying session was that I was no longer taken into an astral landscape to meet the entities. It was as if the entity itself "went down" to visit me in my own plane. It was kind of reminiscent of demonic magic, where the creatures appear before you.

11th Day: The Cherubim of Joining
(Dispositors of the Subangle of Air)
August 19, 2014

I was brought to a very strange landscape, I don't even know how to describe it properly. It was like a sea of clouds, but the 'clouds' here look different: they're gray, and feels more solid, like soapsuds in a washing machine, continuously shifting and moving, and occasionally glittering. Through the gray 'clouds' I could see that there were beings walking about here and there but I couldn't figure out what they look like. Finally one entity approached me and became my guide in the landscape. It was very tall, wearing a green robe and a red mask shaped like a five-pointed star, hiding its face and showing only the mouth. He claims he is an agent of BDOPA (one of the Cherubic God Names). We had some conversation about the nature of the kerubs of this plane as we walk by till we get to talk about their 'powers'.

"We can only create from that which already exists"
"Like craftsmen we build only from materials"
"Thought is our material"
"Life is our material"
"Form, color, taste, sound, our material"

I notice there are more strange shapes moving here and there as we walk through the landscape: a puppy, a fish, a lawnmower, a book floating on air. All sorts of shit.

What if I want something that has not existed yet?
"That is the office of the higher powers"
It must mean the Seniors or the Secret God Names.

It then goes on to say that they don't 'deliberately' destroy stuff.

"Destruction is born with creation. They come hand in hand."
"Destruction is not the end of things"
"Change is life"

Does stillness mean the end then?

"There is no stillness, no emptiness. They are what you cannot perceive."

(I think I've read that from a quantum physics book)

Etc. etc.

I was kind of disappointed as I was expecting the Kerubic plane to look exiting.


12th day: The Cherubim of Transporting
(Dispositors of the Subangle of Water)
August 29, 2014

My guide was a firefly about as big as a thumb but the light on its butt was shining as brilliant as a fluorescent lamp. I followed it till we found a hole on the ground. I jumped in and slid a long way down into the deepest recesses of the Earth. It was a large cavern with huge columns of crystals jutting from the walls, floor and ceiling. It reminds me of the Cave of Crystals in Naica, Mexico. My guide, the firefly, illuminates a large part of the cavern. The crystal columns have different, luminescent, shifting colors. I checked one of the crystals closely, and see that random images appear on them. I began to think that the crystal cavern might be a network of thoughts and experiences. I looked for my firefly guide and found that it's gone. But the crystals were luminescent enough that I could see a gigantic, caterpillar-like creature just a few meters in front of me. It was an agent of BANAA (cherubim of Water of Fire).

I asked: the book says you are the dispositors of Transporting. Is this your nature? It answered me something in the line of "Fuck the book, we are much more than that."

"If transportation is your domain, will you be able to take me to Paris?" I can see I'm getting comfy with Enochiana. It says it will just be like moving a grain of sand.

I figured their domain could be much more than just physical transportaion, but also the passing of information and ideas, and experiences.

[more chit chat chit chat...I couldn't remember most]

I began to feel very sleepy, the creature warned not to sleep in that place. Else, I will never be able to go back.

Eventually I felt very comfortable and more sleepy, I wanted to lie on the ground and just sleep there. But I knew I shouldn't. It was hard to shake myself off because I've gone deeper in the theta state. But I had to force myself hard to 'snap out' of it.


13th Day: The Cherubim of Sciences
(Dispositors of the Subangle of Earth)
September 2, 2014

It is one of those "low" days unfortunately. The conditions all seem to be perfect, the night was silent and I have easily worked my way to alpha state, but in the end, the result was unyieldy. After the invocation I waited for a few more minutes, but all I could see was a swirling smoke on the crystal ball.

I was about to wrap up and call it a night until I realized I am looking at an embryo of a serpent-like creature, moving around the egg/crystal ball. The egg cracked open and out came a winged-lizard (or a dragon, pterodactyl, or whatever), already an adult, which grabbed me by the shoulders, flew off, and dropped me somewhere.

There came a few short vague images of a prehistoric forest, and then there was me, hiding in the tall grasses from prehistoric monsters. I tried crawling my way into safety, but I was so slow, so I transformed myself into something like a fast-moving serpent and made my way up into a mountain slope. From here I can see the vast jungle, which abruptly changed into a modern city.

(The visions suck. It was more like random flashing images really.)

More vague images then out of somewhere came an alien-like creature with six arms. I think it is (an agent of) CNBR. I asked it to tell me about this realm.

"We canot tell you, our realm is to be discovered."

"We are not the realm of the mind, we are the realm of action."

Those were the only few details I could gather. I also realized we were inside a structure shaped like a dome with blinking lights, probably an alien spaceship. I tried to get some more details but it was a tough night for vision-work. The creature was ignoring me anyway. I stopped the session before I end up "forcing" the images.


14th Day: The Cherubim of Secrets
(Dispositors of the Subangle of Fire)
September 9, 2014

It was another winged angel this time. It taught me how to improve my vision and even taught me a cool, new skill: being in two places at once.

It's almost traditional-looking: robe, wings, halo, and all. Except that it has six, gray wings and four arms. Its robe is blue and white. I couldn't see its face at first. The first pair of arms was holding a golden goblet and a bell. The bell actually looks like the goblet turned upside-down. The second pair of arms holds two gruesome items: bloody, severed, heads, one male and one female.

"Why are you holding a cup and a bell? What do those mean?" It said something like, look into your heart and you will know (I forgot).

"Why could you not just tell me?" -- "Spoken language is not sufficient."

I was so focused on the creature that I did not realize at first that I was not in another landscape. It's as if the creature appeared in front of me, in my own room.

"Why are we here (in this mundane world)? Why am I not seeing you in a different landscape?" -- "There is no such different landscape. Everything is 'here'." I kind of get what it said.

"Why don't you have a face?" -- "It's just that you cannot 'see'?"

Then my vision got clearer. I saw the creature as if it materialized in front of me. Now I could even see the details on its robe, and its face, look like that of a barn owl.

"You're so beautiful. Did I really summon you?" -- "You did not summon me. We are always here."

After a few more conversations, which I barely remember now, the angel joined the cup and the bell together (Joining the hollow parts). It reminded me of the Angel in the Temperance card. The creature brought them apart, and out comes a golden key floating in mid-air. Just as I received a key in my last invocation with the Seniors, here it is again. I believe it is the key to the plane of the Servient angels.

I grabbed the key, and the creature instructed me to go down the ladder. I could not find a ladder, and then I realized it meant the stairs. I knew that he/she didn't mean for me to stand up and get down the stairs physically. But I could not figure out how to astral walk while maintaining a conversation/skrying session. I wasn't able to get it the first time, but I did eventually get to know how, with the creature's help. I had to close my eyes. Now this is hard to describe: I 'feel' and 'see' that I was walking on the floor, opening the door, getting down the steps, and at the same time, I also feel that I am sitting on my mat, with the creature in front of me.

It instructed me to use the key to enter our banyo.

There was a flash of golden light. Everywhere was filled with light, but I did not feel uneasy this time (unlike the last session with the Seniors). I feel that there were other creatures around me but I could not see them. On the floor, I see my key (for some reason it teleported there). But it looks different. It's no longer golden, but it looks like it's made of transparent glass with sparkling glitters in it.

Back in my room, the creature advised me not to stay much longer. And so that's how my exploration of the world of the Cherubim ended.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Enochian Journal 5: The 24 Seniors

Continuing the 19-day working and going a bit further down the hierarchy. After the God names, its now down to the seniors, which come to my mind as the twenty-four elder beings surrounding the heavenly throne in the book of Revelation, Donald Tyson grouped the seniors by four, so it is a six-day working for all of them. I prefer to use the Golden Dawn planetary correspondences for the Seniors and their assignment in the Great Cross although Tyson clearly has no love for Golden Dawn stuff.

The creatures that I encountered were more willing to converse, although I wasn't able to make sense out of most of what they were saying. Perhaps it's my abilities, or perhaps I haven't yet attained a level of wisdom to understand them. There were creatures that show some personalities, mostly arrogant. Some have given me strange gifts, which would only make sense later on. I think my skrying abilities have improved a bit. There were times when it was harder to go back to normal consciousness, but there were also times when I get paltry results.

I posted the journal entries below on Facebook soon after each skrying session. I still have to work on my memory retention as I tend to forget some stuff even just after the session. I tried recording my voice during the vision, but I feel awkward hearing myself talk and it tends to break the trance.

The Heavenly Throne by Peter Olsen

5th Day (a): The Seniors of Mars (Linea Spiritus Sancti I)
April 24, 2014

I'm taking a break from the 19-day working for a bit. I ran out of mana.

I just started on the invocations to the Kings and the 6 Seniors of each tablet. I was fumbling through the prayer because Donald Tyson has a different set correspondences (I'm basing on the Golden Dawn). I need to edit the prayers, and shall come back to the first set of seniors. No visions on the ball. I stopped early lest I end up 'forcing' the visions


5th Day (b): The Seniors of Mars (Linea Spiritus Sancti I)
May 5, 2014

I experienced, for the first time, what I would call as "astral paralysis". I thought I invented that word, but after googling I found out that the term actually exists. This was the first time I have actually had a dialog with "entities". After the invocation, I was taken to a structure in the clouds that look like a four-columned gazebo with a sculpture of a winged creature in each column. There was a large many-faceted blue crystal hovering above it, glowing and rotating like a planet. This, the gazebo, was where I meet the entities. I just couldn't describe their appearance. They're like shadows and light that form faces from time to time.

"Are you the Seniors of the Watchtowers?" - "We are what you called."
"Why didn't you appear before?" - "We have always been here."
"What is your domain?" - "We are one and many. We solidify, we create, we make things perfect, etc." (sometimes they speak all at once).

Etc etc...

After a while..

"I want to go back now." - "Take this" (it was a blue feather)
"What is this for? What does it do?" - "You will know"

I'm trying to go back but couldn't move my body. I was half-aware. I could see my surroundings but they look like they were throbbing, twisting - it was hard to describe. I could feel my body rocking back and forth gently, and I could hear my heartbeat . I was calling for help.

"Please let me go. Let me go, let me go, let me go." I was telling nobody in particular. But I was still paralyzed. After a few more minutes (or seconds, I couldn't tell). There was blackness, and I could feel I'm regaining my consciousness. I lost my balance and fell back. I was expecting to be dizzy or groggy when I got up but thankfully I wasn't.


6th Day: The Seniors of Jupiter (Linea Patri I)
May 14, 2014

A maelstrom in the middle of a stormy ocean. Four tiny islands seem to be floating / swirling around the center. Each of the tiny island has a palm tree of different colors. Apparently each of the tree was an angel. I spoke first to the turquoise-colored palm tree, SAIINOU. He said something about being a whisperer to the gods, and being a creator of life ex-nihilo. Then I spoke to the others: the yellow tree AAOXAIF the brown tree ACZINOR, the orange tree ADOEOET. It wasn't clear what they were saying, added to that, the waves were crashing loudly. One of the seniors told me that it was me who was muddled. "Rest now, Christian Fernandez". And so I finished the work and I did. It wasn't a particularly good time for scrying.


7th Day: The Seniors of Luna (Linea Filii I)
May 20, 2014

I think I'm getting better at using the skrying ball. After the invocation, a butterfly. The four parts of its wings were colored differently, and the colors were constantly changing. It was flapping its wings gracefully as if in slow-motion, without going anywhere, just hovering. Then it became a flower with four petals. After a while it changed again into a butterfly, then it faced me, its beady eyes looking at me.

"We are the seniors".

I find it curious. I was always the one to ask whether the entity that appears is the one that I called (and not an impostor or something). I should have verified first, but I forgot, I was already in astral-high. They claim to be the lords of pleasure, pleasure in the material world, etc. They/it were saying something like "pleasure is often worth a thousand pain", and some other clichés. "Maybe you're the one that I need right now", I said. I forgot what it said in response. I ask them what other domain they lord over, but it said it isn't in my capacity to understand. Before I left, it gave me its tongue - a butterfly tongue, brown and spiral. I asked what it was for and the answer I got was the same as before: " you will know".


8th Day: The Seniors of Venus (Linea Spiritus Sancti II)
July 14, 2014

There was a flame that burst into four smaller flames. 
One became a blue butterfly and flew off.
One became a five-headed hydra made of fire (like the one in the Diablo PC game). It has no body, its long necks were rooted to the earth.
One became an earthworm, it dug into the soil until it found a seed. It united with the seed and the seed became a tree.
One became a bird with huge wings, which soared over an ocean.

Because the other creatures were gone, the only one left to speak to was the hydra.

Why have you chosen these forms? - "It was your choice, not ours."
Who was the butterfly? - LHCTGA
The bird? - APDOCE
The worm? - LGAIOL
(Not sure about the last two. I was trying to remember these while keeping my trance - it was challenging.) 
Then my eyes fell into one of the cards and see the name HAOZPI. That was the flame hydra. But he tells me he is also the others.

The hydra says that the butterfly is the messenger, the bird the watcher, the worm the cultivator, and he, the guardian.

He gave me a winged shoe. And as always, when I asked what it is for, I was told I will know.

When will that be? - "When the time comes"

I was annoyed. 'Ang labo nyong kausap', was all I could think about.

As soon as I said my farewell and began to pick my tools, a thunderstorm suddenly began to pour outside. I couldn't help but smile.


9th Day: The Seniors of Saturn (Linea Filii II)
July 22, 2014

I did the ritual earlier than usual, there were lots of outside disturbances. I was able to maintain pratyahara enough to get me into theta state. But it was a short session.

It was a human skull. There were still some rotting pieces of flesh on it. It was unmoving at first, then the holes of its eyes started bleeding. It opened its mouth a little and three serpents came out of it. From the nasal aperture, there came out what seemed like a caterpillar or a centipede, which crawled to the top and back of the skull. Two winged-cockroach like creatures appeared out of nowhere and perched on each of the eye-holes and started drinking the blood that's flowing from them. The skull opened its mouth again and I saw its tongue. It began to speak. It says it holds the secrets of the dead and the dying.

"The world of death has more secrets to treasure than the living"
I know. "No, you do not."
Are you really that whom I called? "Yes."
Prove to me. (It showed the sigil of Saturn.)
Prove me more. (It began to show letters spelling names, and I realize these are the names of people who will face death soon)
Stop. I do not want to know. "You are scared of me."
I don't know. I am scared of death. "I am death." It said something more. It was taunting me. Trying to scare me.
Are you giving me something, like the others? "You need not something from me."

etc. etc. my memory of the session is rusty. I was curious to know more but I couldn't hold the trance longer. I ended the ritual with a throbbing headache and wishing I wouldn't dream of this macabre image.


10thDay: The Seniors of Mercury (Linea Patri II)
August 12, 2014

What an adventure! The vision (the first part at least) was obviously influenced by my subconscious desire to watch the Guardians of the Galaxy again. What is interesting is that some characters reappear from my earlier visions, and I finally made use of the gifts that the spirits gave me in the earlier visions. It was true what they say: I would know when to use them.

I was in a spaceship, travelling somewhere in outer space. I saw a red planet from afar and decided to visit it. It was a fiery planet, with rivers and geysers of molten lava. My ship landed on a pool of lava and was consumed, thankfully I was able to get out before it sank. The five-headed fire hydra (8th day vision) was there, looming over me. It pointed me to a temple ruin. From the ruins I acquired an orb, which holds 'their secret', as the hydra told me. The planet began to rumble, with fountains of flames bursting forth here and there. Now I have to leave the planet, but I lost my ship. Then the hydra reminded me that it gave me a pair of winged shoes (from the 8th day vision). So I used them to flew off to outer space, where I ended up landing in a gray, dead planet.

It was a dark, grey, rocky planet, littered with bones and husks of giant insects. From a pile of insect corpses, there was the head of a giant dead moth protruding about. From somewhere, I pulled out the spiral tongue (a gift from 7th day vision) and attached it to the dead moth's mouth. It moved and spoke a word: "EXEMENARAO". Which oddly sounded like something from LNK. I saw that there was a cave nearby but the entrance was blocked by a huge boulder. I have a rusted key (which was given to me as well from a previous vision), but I could not find a key hole. I uttered the words EXEMENARAO, and the boulder moved away, freeing the entrance to the cave.

I explored the dark, damp, cave until I reached a passage leading upwards. It was too steep and I did not know how to go on. From the darkness I noticed that where was a sleeping giant nearby. Out of instinct, I pulled out the blue feather (a gift from 5th day vision) and I tickled its feet. It woke up (thankfully it didn't get mad at me, maybe it's the feather's magic) and I asked it to bring me through the passage upwards. I rode on its back till we reached the top where there was a golden door. On this golden door I was finally able to use my rusted key. I stepped in and fell down into the was a very long fall.

When I reached the bottom it was very dark. Suddenly a flash of very bright light appeared and there was a faceless, human-shaped entity, wearing a robe and a crown. Then, I realized there were two of them, then I saw six, then I realized that there were more and I was actually surrounded by these glorious, shining entities. The light they emitted was very bright and was changing colors. They were speaking to my head with loud, strange voices and in a strange language, I did not understand a thing. I was very confused. I was trying to cover my ears and was closing my eyes because of the blinding light. I reckon there must be 24 of these beings around me, all of the 24 seniors together, finally meeting me. The noise, the shining light and voices went on until it finally stopped. There was silence. I found that they were gone. But on the floor, I found my is no longer rusted, but it looks new, shining, and golden, and very beautiful. I picked it up knowing that it is the key that will lead me to the next group of angels in the hierarchy: The dispositors. Which are also known as the Cherubs.

It was an intense session. It took me a while to regain my consciousness.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Paper Mage

The older I grow as a magician, the less I'm interested in owning stuff. I have been giving away a number of my books and magical items keeping only those things that I actually put into use. I now own less than I have five years ago, and sometimes I feel I still have too much.

I give. I don't sell. I don't think I would gain much profit or satisfaction from selling my old stuff anyway. I think giving (or doing an act of kindness for that matter) without expectation of return is an exercise that every human being should do. Own, own, own. Grab, grab, grab. This materialistic, consumerist, cosmopolitan way of life gets very tiring easily.

Trees get to be pruned, snakes shed their skin, people must undergo some kind of death in order to evolve and to grow. Yes, there is a pang of regret when I give away the books that have helped me in my journey. But it is a nice kind of pain. Like getting into a hot bath.

These days I perform ceremonial magic from pieces of cardboard in a shoe box and make talismans from scrap paper. I may have gotten cheaper, but I feel more magic than before.

Enochian temple in a shoe box.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Banaue - Stairways to Haven

"Good morning", an Ifugao elder said to me while I was taking pictures around the village. She was carrying a baby, lulling her to sleep. I could see that the woman's teeth was already reddened from years of chewing betel leaves, a favorite pastime in these areas. I wasn't able to greet back. I was waiting for something that comes after the "good morning". Maybe she'd sell some merchanise, or offer tourist services. But no. It was a genuine, cordial, neighborly greeting - so rare these days that I was taken aback. I felt so ashamed of myself.
Look at what the world has done to me: I have become suspicious of friendly greetings.
Finally, I managed to smile and belatedly respond: "Good morning din po".

I got up just before sunrise in the quaint little inn at Batad village, situated among the rice terraces themselves. My legs were still sore from yesterday's hike to Tappiya Falls, which took about three hours to get to and get back from. I usually don't mind long walks but the thing is, we had to walk on the narrow and sometimes slippery edges of the terraces, which are about 6 to 12 feet high. Not quite deadly, but high enough to trigger my acrophobia. I also get to see the majestic yet terrifying view of the steep slopes of the mountain when looking down on where I'm stepping. Our local guide, Ate Harriet, had to hold my hands almost all throughout the trek because my knees were shaking badly. The new friends that I made from the tour group meanwhile were throwing words of encouragement and friendly jeers at me to keep me going. It was terrifying, but I relish the experience. We had to make occasional stops because of the rain, and during those times, we get to really enjoy the scenery. The view was truly a sight to behold - the mountains, the mist, and the glorious sky. I can see why the Ifugao tribes have a fascination for winged creatures, with feathers on their dresses and their dances mimicking the movement of the eagle's wings.

We went back at the inn before sunset and spent the rest of the day enjoying our time being away from the city. There was no wi-fi and network signals, nobody was looking at their phone. Before bedtime, I get to know the people I'm traveling with more. We looked back at the day and exchanged stories of adventure over a cup of freshly brewed mountain coffee.

I woke up shivering in the cold. However I tried to I couldn't get back to sleep. I had enough of it anyway and it was a very restful sleep, so I just decided to go out with my camera and walk around the village. And so there I was, exchanging good mornings with villagers. Later I would find a little hut whereby I would just sit and look at the mountains, feeling the cool, December breeze of the highlands, and watching the sunlight slowly revealing the ancient artwork that is the Banaue Rice Terraces.

It did feel like a very good morning.

With our guide, Harriet.

Tappiya Falls

Traversing the terraces.

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